One book, I swear it was one book. I bought a book written by a woman who was an alcoholic and now Amazon keeps hitting me with that headline on the homepage accompanied by a long list of books advising me on how I can kick the drink.
A few months ago I bought my mother a shirt on-line and she’s a plus size. Now every time I go on FB they suggest that I might like lap-band surgery or to join various dieting groups.
About eight years ago I bought my daughter a toga on E bay for a fancy dress party she was going to and still to this day when I login there’s a whole page full of togas there awaiting my perusal based on my previous purchases.
I know that people use the internet to invent fake identities for themselves but it seems that somehow I’ve inadvertently reinvented myself as an overweight alcoholic with a penchant for wearing togas.
Every morning I flip to a new day on my desk calender and often there’s a little message on it that I wrote to myself months ago. Usually I have no idea what it’s about as I don’t give myself enough details at the time of writing.
My iPhone autocorrect is still making me send crazy messages to people. A while ago I was sending Daz a shopping list of things I needed him to pick up for dinner and I was after a wombok and my phone assumed that what I really wanted was
1 x womb
No, not tonight thanks. So I went back to fix it and then my phone thought I must have felt like some tasty roadkill for dinner because it changed it to
1 x wombat
You really can’t send a message off to anyone without checking it first because people end up thinking you’re mad. My daughter sent me a text saying she was leaving early on Saturday for the shops and I sent her one back asking her if she was going to hit the shops early for the sake when I meant sales. She just ignores me now, has done ever since I sent her a text saying that bunnies are shit when in fact I think bunnies are lovely, I thought vinnies were shit.
I was just sending Daz the details of some varnish I wanted called Plasti-Cote clear enamel and I sent it off telling him I wanted some Plasti-Kitty clear enamel – god knows what the man at the hardware shop is going to think.
Me personally, I find the moment of revenge that gives me the most pleasure is the one when I turn the kitchen taps on and off when someone is in the shower. I can feel this sort of jokers smirk on my face every time I get to do it because I know, from many burnt faces and cold hair rinses, that nothing ruins a good shower more than someone constantly turning those bloody taps in the kitchen on and off while I’m in it.
Which sometimes seems a strange thing to say because if we were talking about Chicken Little that would mean lying around in your pyjamas all day watching movies and eating snacks. I’m sure that job exists somewhere but not on my radar just at the moment.
I’ve been working more like one of my fathers sheep dogs; running about, rounding things up, looking for things that are out of place, keeping things in line.
The days are ticking by though and my course will be finished in one more week and then it’s PARTY TIME!!
And why the frackola does wordpress always want to put my pictures at the top of a post even when I clearly want them at the bottom – been happening for a week now. Not, happy, Jan!!